Would Patrick Bateman drive a Dodge Charger?

Here's the last half of the scene which it would let me embed.




Here's a link to the whole scene

DOUG STANHOPE: VOICE OF AMERICA

Doug Stanhope has been doing spots for a B.B.C. comedy news show. Here are three of them. All videos are Not Safe For Work.

I got in a petty argument about how over-rated Jay-Z is and I am going to use this blog as a soap box to argue my petty opinion.

While I never really gave any of Jay-Z's albums more than a couple listens, I still feel comfortable saying he is a sub-par rapper. I do know most of his singles and, truth be told, I do enjoy some songs. But when somebody tells me that he is one of the best rappers it just gives me a pain in the ol' gulliver. A friend with a different opinion than me.... this obviously won't stand. This is why Jay-Z is overrated. (Assume that all videos are Not Safe For Work)


1st Point: This song is fucking atrocious.



"Hey Jay-Z... I got a great idea for a song. How about a song about how many girls you got. Sure its been done countless times but you could put a little twist on it. Like giving different traits to all the girls... Oh that's been done a lot also. Nevermind."

I hated this song when it came out... what a shitty hook. "I LOVE GIRLS, GIRLS, GIRLS. GIRLS I DO ADORE". Notice he also references Deuce Bigalow which means he watched Deuce Bigalow and was like "That shit is funny... maybe I will reference it in a song". I got some lyrics for you Jay-Z:

"I got this office chick who always 'makin copies'
she calls out Richmister as I insert my floppy
I got this Hot Chick who is really a man
but I still stick my dick in her like Jean Claude Van Damme"


2nd Point: Jay-Z is the Brett Farve/Jay Leno/Michael Jordan of rap.



In 2003, after the black album, Jay-Z strangely decided to retire while he was still on top. I don't know why Jay-Z did this but I do see an obvious reason why one might. Because you love to hear how awesome you are from Mtv, Music Mags, and adoring fans. "How could you do this Jay-Z? The rap game sure won't be the same without you in it."

3 years later Jay-Z would release his comeback album Kingdom Come which sold "680,000 copies in its first week, making it Jay-Z's highest selling album within a one-week period. " It almost seems like retiring is a marketing ploy which brings me to my next point.

3rd Point: Jay-Z is the Gene Simmons of rap.



Jay-Z has been in commercials for Bud Select (above), H.P Computers, Rhapsody, Reebok , and Heineken. He is the founder of Roc-A-Fella Records and the clothing company Rocawear. He is the co-owner of the 40/40 Club (a high class sports bar) and a co-owner The New Jersey Nets. He also has millions of dollars invested in real estate, etc.

So whats wrong with trying to do well for one's self? Nothing I suppose. Making a lot of money has always been synonymous with making thoughtful deep music. Jay-Z marketed himself as an image much like Hannah Montana has done. A harsh unjustified comparison, perhaps; but a comparison none the less.

4th Point: A formula for $ucce$$



Jay-Z was one of the pioneers of the most annoying trends in rap. Thug rapper doing a verse or two while an attractive female sings the hook. There are many variations, for example above is actually a Mariah Carey song featuring Jay-Z but it is the same principal. Jay-Z has been involved with 4 number one hits. Let's see if you can spot a pattern.

1: "Heartbreaker" with Mariah Carey
2: "Crazy in Love" with Beyonce
3: "Umbrella" with Rhianna
4: "Empire State of Mind" with Alicia Keys

If you said every song title uses the vowels 'A' and 'E'. Give yourself a big pat on the back.

5th Point: Jay-Z willingly worked with LinKin ParK



I know what you would like to say "LinKin ParK is a Grammy winning group that has sold more than 50 million records. That many people can't be wrong, can they?" And I would say "SHUT UP WHEN IM TALKING TO YOU..... SHUT UP"

I'm not exactly sure what to attribute Linkin Park's (I'm done with their hip inane capitalization of the letter K) success too. If it was a case of 'right place; right time' or if it was something more diabolical like a pact with the devil which their relatives might have to pay for in a few hundred years.

And this happened during Jay-Z's "retirement". Most people retire and go work as welcomers at Walmart for 15 hours a week. Jay-Z decided to do something much more sad.


6th Point: Google suggests Jay-Z might worship the devil


















7th Point: The Jay-Z/Nas Beef

This is the main reason I don't like Jay-Z. It is totally appropriate for a white man-child from the Midwest to care passionately about an over-hyped New York rap beef. Even though the beef (wow I feel like a cracker even typing that word) was resolved long ago and the two are now buddy-buddy; I still don't like Jay-Z. You can read about it on wikipedia. I'll post the videos. Including one of my favorite songs of all time "Ether".





And the winner:



Noteworthy lyrics include:

"Y'all niggas deal with emotions like bitches. What's sad is I love you 'cause you're my brother, You traded your soul for riches. My child, I've watched you grow up to be famous And now I smile like a proud dad, watching his only son that made it"

and

"Ask me if I'm tryna' kick knowledge. Nah, I'm tryna' kick the shit you need to learn though. That ether, that shit that make your soul burn slow"


In summation, Ladies and gentleman of the jury. Jay-Z isn't a terrible rapper, but does the self-proclaimed King of Hip-Hop really deserve the title? Maybe he is the only one who cares about an arbitrary title, but that doesn't make it right. That doesn't make it right.

:::Mr. Brady slams his briefcase onto the ground making "my point", which is wearing a neck brace, swivel it's head. I lose the case and go home with nothing:::

The Saint vs The Jackal

Hello I am a man of many names and faces. People hire me to steal seemingly unobtainable items. I am able to do this by wearing ridiculous disguises and taking on new eccentric identities. I get paid very well but once I hit 50 million I'm out.








Hello I am a man of many names and faces. People hire me to assassinate political figures . I am able to do this by wearing ridiculous disguises and taking on new eccentric identities. I get paid very well but once I hit 70 million I'm out.







Hey Mate... Are you trying to steal my thunder? My movie came out a few months before yours. I mean our movies are different. I'm the protagonist in mine and you're the antagonist in yours. It just seems a little weird to have two movies come out in the same year where the titular character is a master of disguise.








Whoa dude... that's an awesome Aussie accent. Most Americans actors sound like they are reading off the Outback Steakhouse menu when they try. You like my get up? I'm a fisherman... but instead of a pole I got a big fuckin gun in here. shhhhhhh.









Thanks a lot. I really appreciate that. It took me months to perfect it. Richard Gere's accent is pretty good in your flick too. Sidney Poitier sure isn't the same caliber of actor he once was is he?









I guess that's true. I mean he wasn't terrible or anything. I guess he is more of a grape that hasn't been in the sun now. You know... cause of Raisin in the...










Oh I get it, it's very clever. How's that working out for you?









Dude.... from Fight Club right? And shit you're even on an airplane. How did that happen? It's like some guy is sitting at a computer thinking all this stupid shit up between his rigorous masturbation schedule. Anywho.... does this get up make me look like I hate the Jews? I was going for more of a Timothy McVeigh look. Wait... did he hate the Jews or just the Government?








I think it was just the government. I guess I could look it up with the really cheesy computer technology I posses. I love how they portrayed the internet in the 90s. I mean... you know what I'm talking about cause you got the same unrealistic technology. You're fucking smoking a cigar and talking to a computer that helps you narrow down a search for a gun. Who made a program for that specific purpose?







I did not hear a single thing you said because I couldn't stop looking at your teeth. What the fuck. I guess I'm one to talk ... I'm about ready put my hand on this guys mouth.











I totally got a gay identity too. Maybe our two identities could get together.











I'm not really gay.







No no... neither am I. I was only kidding. You see me get with Elisabeth Shue? I felt like Marty McFly banging her. I would have never have left her on that porch in an alternate 1985.










Hey guys.... Can I join the party?











Get the fuck out of here Dana Carvey. I'm not going to watch your stupid movie so you can join the mix too.












Shit.... I got to take this. It was really fun playing dress up with you. Maybe we will take similar roles on some future films and meet again.









That probably won't happen. I'm going to take really shitty roles for the rest of my career. Hell I might even do the voice of a car in a reboot of a shitty television series.

Missed Opportunities

:::cue bongos and upright bass playing a walking jazz line:::

It's rainy nights like these when I feel the most alone. Lounging by the fire place; surrounded by my books and records and films that I've collected over the past 42 years. My love for culture has dwindled down to nothing and our once fiery relationship is now more for companionship.

It's rainy nights like these when I break out the good booze. The expensive whiskey that will make you reminisce but not wallow in those memories. As the fire rages on and the rain continues to pound on the roof I put down my Bukowski book and take a sip from my ice cold tumbler.

I remember a girl. A beautiful girl with light red hair. I only saw her for less than a minute but her big blue eyes are still engraved in my mind after 15 years. I can still hear her yelling “Fuck you, you piece of shit. I knew I smelled her pussy on you last night” as she threw her lit cigarette at her boyfriend's speeding away car. I was pumping gas and just taking it all in. She sat down on the curb and lit another cigarette then started to cry. I wish I would have went up to her. I wish I would have offered her a ride. I could have figured out something to say to gain her trust. Something like “Hey... are you okay? Would you like to ride anywhere” and when she was in the car I would put on something both the cultured and uncultured could enjoy. Perhaps an old Outkast album. Aquemini would do. Philistines will only hear the “dope beats” and tune out the underlying philosophy of Andre's poems. She would bob her head as I point our to her that this verse deals with “the daily struggle endured by blacks growing up in the crack infested ghettos during the Reagan era”. Then I would say “would you like to go back to my house and watch some t.v.... I think a rerun of Everybody Loves Raymond is on”

At my house I would let her smoke her menthol cigarettes and ask her what her favorite kind of beer is. She would obviously say “P.B.R.” and I would respond in a non-confrontational way “fuck that shit... Here's a Heineken ” a reference she would surely never get. As we would watch Everybody Loves Raymond, I would have asked her if she is aware of Peter Boyle's early works. “He was amazing in Joe and Where The Buffalo Roam not to mention Young Frankenstein. Did you know that John Lennon was his best man at his wedding?” She may have been amazed by my knowledge and could have done what many poor uncultured women do when a smart gentleman is nice to them. Perform fellatio on them.

I clean myself off then take another sip from my tumbler. With my pants around my ankles I continue to imagine the things that could have been.

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My name is Colonel Miles Quaritch and I assume you are all easily fooled

Welcome to Pandora Shitheads. I'm Colonel Miles Quaritch and it is my duty to prepare all of you for the hell that is known as Pandora. It may look like a whimsical dreamland that might have cost a half a billion dollars to create... but don't let that fool you. Pandora will chew you up and shit you out faster than you can say "Please don't chew me up and shit me out". Pandora doesn't give a shit if you are polite. You see these scars on my face? Pandora gave them to me. Padora will fist fuck your wife then shake your hand. Then make you think "Why does my hand smell like my wife's pussy?" So what ever you do... don't let Pandora fool you.

The Na'vi may seem like a harmless and uncivilized group of aliens who want nothing more than to be one with nature... but don't let that fool you. These blue mother fuckers aren't going to be accepting any disease ridden blankets. They will shoot their bows and arrows and fly their dragons at our steel ships and MechWarriors © until the very end.

I may look like a one sided character who's only here to cause tension and to personify how evil war and corporations can be... but don't let that fool you. I've got dreams and hobbies. I enjoy seeing how long I can hold my breath. Almost four minutes now. And my idea of a good time is sitting by my fireplace with a bottle of sherry listening to NPR with my life partner Jeb.

Hey you.... you in the wheel chair. I could use a guy like you on the inside. A marine in an Avatar body... now that's a potent mix. I want you to learn from the inside. I want you to gain their trust. If you give me what I need I will make sure you get your legs back... your real legs. One condition though. Don't fuck any of them. I mean I know you wouldn't be inclined to since your whole life you grew up being attracted to one species. It would just be bizarre to think you would up and fuck another one. What I'm trying to ask is:



Does this turn you on? If your answer is no... welcome to the team.